Saying Goodbye

Early in the month, I got the news via Facebook Messenger from my father.  My mother was in the hospital with terminal cancer and was fading.  I told RS the news, and she hugged me while I cried.  I sent dad a quick reply to let him know I’d be in touch and I called my boss to inform them about the situation so that they could start making arrangements at work. Then RS and I went about arranging my travel back to Canada.  The earliest I could arrive was mid-afternoon the next day.  My flight would leave early in the evening, so I had time to pack and sort out some of my work tasks.

Midway through the morning, I took RS by the hand and led her into my room.  I went into the closet, took my parents’ engagement ring out, and held it inside my closed hand so that she couldn’t see it. I told her that this wasn’t how I had envisioned the moment, that I had more grand and romantic plans and intentions.   I placed the ring in her hands and explained that this was the ring that dad gave to mom.  I told her I had asked mom for the ring last summer and she happily gave it to me. I told RS that I wanted to spend my life with her and that I was hers if she wanted me. She said yes. The ring fit her finger perfectly. I told mom the news and she replied, “Oh that’s good.”  Dad told me later she was really happy.

I flew out of Doha in the evening and landed late in Heathrow. The staff directed me to Terminal 3 where I spent the night trying to sleep to no avail.  After a 13-hour layover, I was on the next leg of my trip. I spent the flight in and out of sleep.  During one of my waking spells, I started to write some notes on what I wanted to say to mom.  The big stuff that I wanted her to know before passing on. After about 3 lines, I was too overcome with emotion.  I went to the bathroom and started to cry in quiet heaving sobs.  This lasted for a few minutes. I found that slowing my breathing,  and forcing myself to take slow, measured breaths helped me regain control of myself. I went back to my seat and stared at the screen.  I put the computer away.

I arrived in Regina mid-afternoon the next day and met Dad at the airport. We went directly to the hospital. When I saw mom, she said, “You shouldn’t have come.” I told her not to worry about it; that I had to.  She didn’t reply.  I spent some time in the hospital with her and dad chatting.  I can’t recall exactly what we spoke about. It was just talking to fill the space.   Mom could speak, but breathing was difficult, so her words were few. Mom’s oldest sister called an hour or so after I arrived, and I told her Mom probably only had days at this point.  She started making arrangements to fly out along with another one of mom’s sisters.

When we came back the next morning, mom couldn’t speak much because of her breathing.  She was still there though, aware of what was happening around her, but she was in pain. My younger sister and her partner arrived later in the morning. We spent the day sitting with mom and keeping her company.

My older sister and her husband arrived on the day after. She was completely devastated. She started crying and crawled into the bed with mom and hugged her gently.  For the remainder of the day, we were in and out of that room.  At some point between the comings and goings, I found myself alone with mom.  She was on the bed, eyes closed and resting. I took her hand, and I told her, “I love you so much. I love you so very much, and I am thankful that I got to be your son. There’s no one else in the world who could be my mother. There’s no one else who I would rather have as my mother.” I felt her squeeze my hand. She didn’t have much strength, but the gentle pressure I felt from her let me know that she could hear me.   A little later, my sisters and father came back into the room. Mom wanted to get up, so we helped her sit up.  I sat on the bed behind her so mom could lean on me to help her stay up.

Later in the day while dad was in the room with mom, the kidney doctor came by and informed my sisters and I that mom’s kidneys had failed.  He told us she had 2 to 4 more days. More crying. I relayed the news to dad and my aunts.  A little later, we helped mom to sit up again, and the main doctor told my mother the news, she didn’t say anything, she just looked ahead in resignation. I helped mom lie back down. She put her arm around me as I helped her lean back, and as our heads touched, I told her again, “I love you so much, mom.” She replied, “I love you.” Those were the last words mom ever spoke to me.  I told her again how happy I was that she was my mother and how no one else could ever be my mother. I kissed her forehead and said, “No other mother.” A little later, the nurses moved mom into her own private room.

I hadn’t been sleeping regularly since I got the news about mom, and with the jet lag, I found my self crashing at odd times. It was almost 8 pm, but I was exhausted, so I went back to the hotel and managed to sleep for about 3 hours. When I got back to the hospital, everyone else was back in their rooms except for my father.  Mom was asleep now. Dad and I chatted for about an hour before he went back to the hotel for some much-needed rest. The hotel we stayed at was practically next to the hospital so at least getting back and forth was quick.

I spent the night speaking to mom as she slept.  The tears came and went all night as I talked to her. I told her we were back in Hare Bay and we were outside in front of the house she grew up in. It was a beautiful summer day. The sky was blue. We could smell the salt-water air from the ocean, and we could feel the grass under our feet. I told her again that I loved her so very much, and there was no end to how much I loved her; that we all loved her so much and that she was surrounded by infinite, endless love. I told mom that I would never forget her and that I’d make her snowball cookies every year at Christmas. I played mom’s favourite music for her as well as some songs I liked and continued speaking to her. RS called me around 4:30 and she also spoke to mom, thanking mom for making her feel welcome and for being so kind to her during her trips to Canada.  RS told mom that she did a good job raising me, and RS promised to take good care of me. After RS hung up, I continued speaking and playing music for mom.  My older sister and her husband came back to the hospital around 7 am. I left to run some errands around town and to get some rest.  Unfortunately, after a couple of hours, I couldn’t sleep so I just got a shower and went back to the hospital. Everyone was there now.

As the morning turned to afternoon, mom’s breathing became slower. Her breaths more shallow, and shorter with pauses between them increasing. Dad said, “It’s not long now.” I came in close and took mom’s right hand in mine. My older sister and Dad were on the opposite side of the bed. My younger sister had been out of the room for a few minutes but came back just before Mom passed. Her last breath came at 2:10 pm on February 6th. After about 20 seconds we sensed that she had passed. The nurses came in and confirmed to check. More crying, dad cried, kissed her cheek and her forehead. He told her he loved her and said goodbye. Heather did the same, Danie held her hand. I kissed her cheek, rested my forehead on hers, told her I loved her.

The nurse came back and began to speak to my family about what would happen next. As everyone walked out of the room, I took a moment and went to mom. I told her again that I loved her so very much; that I was proud to be her son. I thanked her for giving me life and raising me and taking care of me.  I told her how happy I was able to get to know her during these last few years; and how our road trip across Newfoundland was one of my favourite memories. I thanked her for being my mom, kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.  I started to walk out of the room, when I got to the doorway, I walked back one more time and said, ” I love you so very much.”